Tag Archives: therapy

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?

I wish i had the courage

I wish i had the courage to do it. To end my life.

This past two weeks have been full of anger, upset and quietness between me and my family. It started with a conversation between me and my father, all because i confessed i didnt want to receive anymore treatment for my mental health, hes a psychiatrist and didnt take it very well to say the least. To please him and to avoid anymore arguments i agreed to go to my psychiatrist appointment and then to meet a therapist yesterday.

My therapist spent the majority of our appointment staring at the wall past my head and appologising for not knowing how to treat me further. I raised my thoughts of not wanting treatment and my presence  being fully due to emotional blackmail from my parents. I even opened up about longing for the courage to do it, to kill myself. She expressed her sadness that i feel so low. The appointment ended with her urging me to see the therapist she recommended and we agreed to meet in two weeks. She thinks i am still taking my medication – im not.

So i went to the therapist, obediently went with my stepmother. We sat in the waiting room and i told her how i didnt want to be there, felt forced to be there and in return was told my parents are no longer going on their holiday because of me. Great.

The appointment went rather smoothly. I told her how i didnt want to be there and i had no intention of “getting better”. I spewed out my early childhood story, its dramatic and comes easily, ive told it a million times (so often and its so lengthly i cant be bothered to type it here, most people who know me know of it). She told me i was by far her client with the most complex and troubling childhood that she has ever come across – this leads me to believe i am more of an interest to her due to my fascinating life, probably saving her from her daily encounters with bored housewives rather than actually wanting/knowing how to fix me (maybe a bit of both). In the first meeting she told me of how i have abandonment issues and a lack of self. She aims for me to discover my own identity away from the apparent 16 year old obliging girl (i am actually 22 but apparently i act and speak like a 16 year old) to two emotionaly black mailing parents.

So yeah im not very into this therapy thing, especially with her. In an hour and a half she made me feel somehow worse than i already feel about myself. She also made me feel negatively about my father and my stepmother who i adore. Why would i want to feel bad against my parents? I now feel underachieving and childish and honestly id rather not know anymore about my “true self”, it all sounds like im pretty messed up.

I somehow have to break the news to my parents, maybe i’ll just be honest and say i dont want to see her again because i dont want to think negatively of them. I really dont think they will take no for an answer though… Yesterday i was told to either get better or get a job and move out. Ive spent six months being comatose in bed, i dont think they will allow it for much longer.

ergh. Its heartbreaking but i think they will be the ones to push me. I wish that wasnt true. I am a cowardly lion.

Therapy sessions

I’ve finally got a date to see a psychotherapist and I’m really torn over wether to go or not, it’s next Thursday and I need to email back to confirm if I’m going or not.

My parents say they will pay for me to go and pay for insurance on one of their cars so I can get there. The assessment (everything has a bloody assessment) costs £80 and then each hour session will cost £50. My parents say that’s really cheap but to me that sounds like it will add up to an awful lot. Obviously this is making me feel guilty for being alive and costing my parents sooooo much money. What if I can’t cope with the drive (stress/anxiety etc)? What if therapy doesn’t help? Then I will feel even more like a failure and a waste of resources. I understand my parents love me and want to do all I can but these thoughts are suffocating me. My brother and sisters feel cheated from all the help I get from my parents, I don’t need to add to that.

Surely therapy won’t help because I don’t want it to and won’t allow it to. So what’s the point?

If I don’t go I will feel bad that my parents will worry about it and I also worry my pdoc will be unhappy that I didn’t take her advice of therapist, she’s a family friend and is only seeing me for free as a favour. I only agreed to see her in the first place because my dad was going to force me to go into hospital and have me sectioned (he’s a pdoc and could get me locked up in seconds). My parents are going to New Zealand for two weeks and I know they will emotionally blackmail me into going to therapy unless they won’t go away and they know that’s the last thing I want. My stepmoms sister is dying of cancer and it’s really important that they go to see her.

I just want to rot in bed. I want cancer. I want the earth to swallow me and all traces of me to dissolve from existence, in memory and in solid form.

I guess I’ll have to go. Guilt is the driving force.

Not celebrating

*ive decided all my posts are more than likely triggering, no one should take much notice of my writings*

 

So its new years eve and for the first time ever i have decided not to celebrate it. To put it simply i just cant be bothered.

I cant be bothered to find an outfit that fits, wash, or do my hair. There isnt anyone i want to impress and the whole process of getting ready which i used to love to take my time over now seems to be a massive useless chore. 

One of my few remaining friends F is having a little party before heading into town. F has experienced depression and crippling social anxiety but now has flourished into a social butterfly, luckily she understands when i say i cant be bothered to go out and she isnt holding anything against me when i reject her invitation. Making small talk is a massive task for me to manage when im feeling this depressed and it is obviously inevitable, you cant escape that at a small party. So i plan to stay indoors, watch some crappy tv alone and probably be asleep by 10pm.

I havnt left my room since boxingday unless it was to get food or use the bathroom. My family are leaving me to it but i do wonder how long it will be till my parents try and prise me from my comforting little cave. I try to remember the last time i left the house and i think it was around 15 days ago. Needless to say i am utterly bored, but rather than motivating me to change my life for the good it just seems to make me wish a little harder that i was dead. Not hard enough to actually do anything though. I think i’ll stop taking my anti depressants, im actually longing for the motivation i get from being drug free to actually put the energy and effort into ending my life. I also secretly like the way i obsess over it, it keeps my mind busy.

15 days till i see my psychiatrist, shes pretty much useless as i dont listen to her. People say “you will one day look back and realise you were wrong and be thankful for the help you recieved”, that is exactly what i am frightened of. I dont want to be delusional to what the world is really like. Life is a struggle that i dont want to fight with. Im scared of being tied to this world with more than just the guilt of leaving. 

Although i dont look forward to seeing my psychiatrist, a part of me does want to experience a therapist, just to see if there are any other conclusions as to why i feel the way i do.

So i go into 2014 with no plans other than to hopefully not enter 2015.