Tag Archives: Psychiatrist

It’s hard having a psychiatrist father

It’s hard having a psychiatrist father,
I have no faith in his life’s career.
I think it’s all lies, there’s no saving me now.
I’ve come to far.

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?

Not celebrating

*ive decided all my posts are more than likely triggering, no one should take much notice of my writings*

 

So its new years eve and for the first time ever i have decided not to celebrate it. To put it simply i just cant be bothered.

I cant be bothered to find an outfit that fits, wash, or do my hair. There isnt anyone i want to impress and the whole process of getting ready which i used to love to take my time over now seems to be a massive useless chore. 

One of my few remaining friends F is having a little party before heading into town. F has experienced depression and crippling social anxiety but now has flourished into a social butterfly, luckily she understands when i say i cant be bothered to go out and she isnt holding anything against me when i reject her invitation. Making small talk is a massive task for me to manage when im feeling this depressed and it is obviously inevitable, you cant escape that at a small party. So i plan to stay indoors, watch some crappy tv alone and probably be asleep by 10pm.

I havnt left my room since boxingday unless it was to get food or use the bathroom. My family are leaving me to it but i do wonder how long it will be till my parents try and prise me from my comforting little cave. I try to remember the last time i left the house and i think it was around 15 days ago. Needless to say i am utterly bored, but rather than motivating me to change my life for the good it just seems to make me wish a little harder that i was dead. Not hard enough to actually do anything though. I think i’ll stop taking my anti depressants, im actually longing for the motivation i get from being drug free to actually put the energy and effort into ending my life. I also secretly like the way i obsess over it, it keeps my mind busy.

15 days till i see my psychiatrist, shes pretty much useless as i dont listen to her. People say “you will one day look back and realise you were wrong and be thankful for the help you recieved”, that is exactly what i am frightened of. I dont want to be delusional to what the world is really like. Life is a struggle that i dont want to fight with. Im scared of being tied to this world with more than just the guilt of leaving. 

Although i dont look forward to seeing my psychiatrist, a part of me does want to experience a therapist, just to see if there are any other conclusions as to why i feel the way i do.

So i go into 2014 with no plans other than to hopefully not enter 2015. 

Surfacing.

 

This post is as promised an update.

I think its safe so say ive somehow surfaced from the worst depression i think is possible to experience. Anyone who has been reading this blog would have noticed i have been extremely suicidal. Although i have no plans or temptation to try anything that will result in my death currently , it still does haunt my mind. The moment anyone says something i dont like (for example my stepmom told me i couldnt leave my yoga ball in the hallway- i took this as she didnt want me to live in her house) i automatically decide that my life is too difficult, scary and worthless.

So what have i been doing? Not much. My new psychologist doesnt think i should worry about getting a job till the new year, my parents agree. How lucky am I!!!  To have a supportive family who are sheltering me from stress, pressure and fear – all of which seem to send me spiralling in to that horrible place ive just escaped from.

Looking back, no wonder i lost grip on reality, i was completely secluded and barely surviving. I dont want to go back there. My psychiatrist is trying to find me a therapist who she knows, still a slow process but much better than the NHS. The last time i met with my NHS psychiatrist i told him my plans of killing myself on the 30th of november (three days from now) i thought that telling him would provoke a reaction and for him to take me seriously, a week ago i had a letter telling me that i had to wait THREE months for my next appointment with him. I have no doubt in my mind that i would be dead if it wasnt for my father blackmailing asking me to see his friend, my new psychiatrist. She has started me on 30 mg Mirtazapine, my appetite is massive and my energy levels are low, self confidence is zero. For the first time in years i feel ugly, fat and insignificant. I truly believe moving back home has helped me the most.

I also have to thank B, things have been going very steady between us, but he gives me a reason to try to adhere to some sort of normal routine, basically because its embarrassing to be a lifeless mess of a nearly 22 year old.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Im choosing not to celebrate it. I dont feel in the mood to celebrate anything, not even the start of my recovery. Last year i spent my birthday in vegas with my best friend and my flavour of the month. My best friend hates me and i hate my flavour of the month. I remember waking up on my birthday in vegas and being annoyed with myself for not being happy. Because ive  not been happy for so long ive spent my time pushing people away. I pushed them away to make my death easier for everyone involved. What do i do now? How do i fix things? Although im still not sure i want to build bridges… maybe because of the guilt i feel for putting people through the hardship of being my friend. So as you can see i am still living in the past, full of regret and bitterness that things havent been easier.

Today is my birthday and I’m riding high
Hair is dripping, hiding that I’m terrified
But this is summer, playing dumber than in fall
Everything I say falls right back into everything
I’m not in the swing of things
But what I really mean is
Not in the swing of things yet – Lorde. Still Sane

I dont have any friends anymore, purely just people i know.  I do. My silly brain is trying to convince me of otherwise. I have five good people friends in my life, B is one of them. Im scared of getting close to people, its taking all of my energy to keep things between me and B simple, something is wrong there…

Still no aims or ambitions floating around in my head, i wish i was motivated to sort my little mess out.

I wanted this post to be a positive look towards recovery. Sometimes its only when i write things down that i see how damaged i still am. Honestly, im terrified of recovery and having to pick my life up again.