Tag Archives: NHS

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?




This post is as promised an update.

I think its safe so say ive somehow surfaced from the worst depression i think is possible to experience. Anyone who has been reading this blog would have noticed i have been extremely suicidal. Although i have no plans or temptation to try anything that will result in my death currently , it still does haunt my mind. The moment anyone says something i dont like (for example my stepmom told me i couldnt leave my yoga ball in the hallway- i took this as she didnt want me to live in her house) i automatically decide that my life is too difficult, scary and worthless.

So what have i been doing? Not much. My new psychologist doesnt think i should worry about getting a job till the new year, my parents agree. How lucky am I!!!  To have a supportive family who are sheltering me from stress, pressure and fear – all of which seem to send me spiralling in to that horrible place ive just escaped from.

Looking back, no wonder i lost grip on reality, i was completely secluded and barely surviving. I dont want to go back there. My psychiatrist is trying to find me a therapist who she knows, still a slow process but much better than the NHS. The last time i met with my NHS psychiatrist i told him my plans of killing myself on the 30th of november (three days from now) i thought that telling him would provoke a reaction and for him to take me seriously, a week ago i had a letter telling me that i had to wait THREE months for my next appointment with him. I have no doubt in my mind that i would be dead if it wasnt for my father blackmailing asking me to see his friend, my new psychiatrist. She has started me on 30 mg Mirtazapine, my appetite is massive and my energy levels are low, self confidence is zero. For the first time in years i feel ugly, fat and insignificant. I truly believe moving back home has helped me the most.

I also have to thank B, things have been going very steady between us, but he gives me a reason to try to adhere to some sort of normal routine, basically because its embarrassing to be a lifeless mess of a nearly 22 year old.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Im choosing not to celebrate it. I dont feel in the mood to celebrate anything, not even the start of my recovery. Last year i spent my birthday in vegas with my best friend and my flavour of the month. My best friend hates me and i hate my flavour of the month. I remember waking up on my birthday in vegas and being annoyed with myself for not being happy. Because ive  not been happy for so long ive spent my time pushing people away. I pushed them away to make my death easier for everyone involved. What do i do now? How do i fix things? Although im still not sure i want to build bridges… maybe because of the guilt i feel for putting people through the hardship of being my friend. So as you can see i am still living in the past, full of regret and bitterness that things havent been easier.

Today is my birthday and I’m riding high
Hair is dripping, hiding that I’m terrified
But this is summer, playing dumber than in fall
Everything I say falls right back into everything
I’m not in the swing of things
But what I really mean is
Not in the swing of things yet – Lorde. Still Sane

I dont have any friends anymore, purely just people i know.  I do. My silly brain is trying to convince me of otherwise. I have five good people friends in my life, B is one of them. Im scared of getting close to people, its taking all of my energy to keep things between me and B simple, something is wrong there…

Still no aims or ambitions floating around in my head, i wish i was motivated to sort my little mess out.

I wanted this post to be a positive look towards recovery. Sometimes its only when i write things down that i see how damaged i still am. Honestly, im terrified of recovery and having to pick my life up again.

43 days

The date this evening was lovely, he is lovely. Problem is I don’t think it’s fair for anyone (not even myself) to be lied to, thinking I’m happy when I truly am not. I don’t want to be someone’s project to “fix”. I really can’t get close to someone while consciously preparing for my suicide without being a total bitch. Not sure how to tell the guy I’m not suitable for dating!

So my GP upped my Citalopram from 20mg to 30mg, turns out she didn’t bother to contact the mental health team and find out what they would offer me as I am seen as “at too high of risk” for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy).

So I have to wait another two weeks to see my pdoc, hopefully he will have some grand plans (then no doubt I’ll be added to the bottom of a waiting list to experience those grand plans). I know I keep going on about this but if I’m at such a high risk why is no one offering the help I’m begging for? I don’t get it! I spend the few hours a day that I am awake looking for the best hanging locations for god sake. GP and Pdoc both know my plans for “around December (not exactly a lie…)” , why don’t they see the severity of this like I do?

Before I kept all plans to myself, only now am I truly being honest in hope of getting better. I can’t live like this forever. This health service is doing nothing but making my plans seem more appealing.

So far in my experience of mental health care in the NHS is pretty awful. I just keep getting pushed out of the door with increased dosages and empty promises.

If it wasn’t for my parents being doctors and huge believers in antidepressants then I would give up on the drugs all together. They have done nothing but make me feel cold and lifeless like a corpse. I’m not thriving at all in this state, barely getting through each day.

I’ve tried eating well, a small amount of exercise, socialising and even self help YouTube videos. All of which seem like a waste of breath, effort, money and guilt. Why does doing nothing but living in bed seem to make me feel comfortable. I use comfortable loosely as it seems like a good word to use in the sense that you can only make a terminal patient comfortable in their final days.

So I’ve picked a day, I don’t plan on going into it in detail of my plan on here, not sure how anyone would benefit from that.


Thinking in circles

Another long and dark one.

Today I cried for the first time in a few days, I managed to control myself though. I just let a few tears go and my voice cracked a little.

I’m so tired of being passed around the NHS but not actually getting any treatment other than drugs that don’t seem to do anything but numb my feelings a bit.

I miss the times where I would literally cry my eyes out and almost be sick due to my feeling of falling apart. I miss having strong meaningful feelings.

Am I dead? Am I just living? What’s the point in feeling nothing? Is it so i don’t end up as one more depressed person who committed suicide and raised the percentage a little. We all know how the government love facts, figures and demographics.

My doctor is lovely, I think she gets that I’m tired of trying now. How do people live like this for years? I think I’ve been depressed for a whole year now. Why does society insist that we should struggle through this hell? Why is suicide so frowned upon?

Yes I’m depressed and my brain chemicals are a bit messed up, I’m flawed and not strong enough. Just let me find peace.

Do I really want to bother and try to get better if there’s a strong likelihood I’ll feel like this again? I’m scared to move on with my life and let people down or them let me down. I know that is bound to happen… No one is perfect.

I know my family are fraught with worry over me. The longer I am around like this the more pain I put them through. I can’t help but think if I’m gone they will be much happier. Obviously they would be upset but they wouldn’t have to worry anymore.

Every day my “date” comes closer and I find that comforting.

Send a wish upon a star,
Make a map and there you are,
Send a hope upon on a wave,
A dying wish before the grave,
Send a hope upon a wave,
For all the souls you failed to save.

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Sia – lullaby


Allergic to all SSRI’s?

So I was on sertraline for around 6 months and now I’ve been on citalopram for 4 days.

Since taking sertraline I developed an intolerable itch all over my body, it kept me up all night and now I’m left with scars all over my legs and back. All of my doctors ignored my complaints and only changed my meds because after 6 months I am more suicidal than ever.

Sooo I’ve been on citalopram for 4 whole days, the itch has gone! Yay! My skin is lovely and soft and I don’t wake up gnawing at my own leg. HOWEVER I now have a weird lumpy rash on my face near my nose. It’s very noticeable and red even with make up on. To be honest I’m not really bothered it as I don’t go out in public/ socialise much at the moment, I just dread the dreaded itch coming back!

Could I be allergic to all SSRI’s? Do sertraline and citalopram have the same ingredients which I could be allergic to? The only other thing I’m allergic to is penicillin, is there a link there?

I’m going to see my doctor about it tomorrow… Fun.

Pass me around NHS

The CBT counselling service have discharged me because “they can not offer me the services I need”.

Bloody great, everyone just seems to be passing me around because they don’t know what to do with me.

The psychiatrist said I would benefit from CBT, they obviously don’t think I will. So now they are telling my psychiatrist they can’t help me.

My dad is a psychiatrist for the NHS and if you simply google his name you can see that he is against private health care, however he keeps trying to pay for me to go private. I’m dreading telling him about all of this mess. Of course I don’t want to go private, I don’t want him to have to pay for it all and go against his beliefs.

Amazing end to a shitty week.

NHS full of empty promises

I was promised to be seen by a councillor today. I’ve been waiting my the phone all day as I know the opening times are 9-6 and still I haven’t been contacted. It’s 4pm, doubt I’ll get an appointment anymore.

I understand the NHS is stretched and I’m lucky to receive any healthcare at all.Six months I’ve been waiting for a councillor/CBT anything. You would think after two failed suicide attempts in a month someone would be taking me seriously.

They have probably lost my number or have someone more critical to look after. Who am I to demand free treatment?

This morning I tried to prepare myself to make some important decisions with the councillor , university decisions, living arrangement decisions, choosing to live… That sort of thing. The longer I take to make some of the decisions, the fewer options I have and the more shitty life appears. I have one year of funding left for university. Do I continue this year and potentially fuck it all up and have another breakdown or defer till February and do it all then?

I give up. I choose to lie in bed and think of how the NHS has let me down again.

I’ve had two hours sleep and I’m loosing all faith.