Tag Archives: Mirtazapine

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?

Mirtazapine sucks

A week ago I upped my mirtazapine from 30mg to 45mg and I think it’s actually making me feel worse. Again I seem to be obsessing over death, my sucky life and nothing holds my attention for longer than 10 minutes unless it is something depression related. So my mood lightened for a few weeks and now I’m heading back down the black hole, perfect timing for Christmas. Then again the fact Christmas is three days away could be making me feel worse. You know, pressure, stress and all that.

Other than the low mood I’ve also noticed the LOVELY sedative symptom that I got from the mirtazapine seems to be wearing off. I spend hours lying in bed thinking how great it would be to be dead even though I’ve lost hope that I can achieve a successful suicide. That sort of makes it worse, I’m hopeless now.

I’ve tried sertraline, citalopram and now mirtazapine when will I find something that works?

Surfacing.

 

This post is as promised an update.

I think its safe so say ive somehow surfaced from the worst depression i think is possible to experience. Anyone who has been reading this blog would have noticed i have been extremely suicidal. Although i have no plans or temptation to try anything that will result in my death currently , it still does haunt my mind. The moment anyone says something i dont like (for example my stepmom told me i couldnt leave my yoga ball in the hallway- i took this as she didnt want me to live in her house) i automatically decide that my life is too difficult, scary and worthless.

So what have i been doing? Not much. My new psychologist doesnt think i should worry about getting a job till the new year, my parents agree. How lucky am I!!!  To have a supportive family who are sheltering me from stress, pressure and fear – all of which seem to send me spiralling in to that horrible place ive just escaped from.

Looking back, no wonder i lost grip on reality, i was completely secluded and barely surviving. I dont want to go back there. My psychiatrist is trying to find me a therapist who she knows, still a slow process but much better than the NHS. The last time i met with my NHS psychiatrist i told him my plans of killing myself on the 30th of november (three days from now) i thought that telling him would provoke a reaction and for him to take me seriously, a week ago i had a letter telling me that i had to wait THREE months for my next appointment with him. I have no doubt in my mind that i would be dead if it wasnt for my father blackmailing asking me to see his friend, my new psychiatrist. She has started me on 30 mg Mirtazapine, my appetite is massive and my energy levels are low, self confidence is zero. For the first time in years i feel ugly, fat and insignificant. I truly believe moving back home has helped me the most.

I also have to thank B, things have been going very steady between us, but he gives me a reason to try to adhere to some sort of normal routine, basically because its embarrassing to be a lifeless mess of a nearly 22 year old.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Im choosing not to celebrate it. I dont feel in the mood to celebrate anything, not even the start of my recovery. Last year i spent my birthday in vegas with my best friend and my flavour of the month. My best friend hates me and i hate my flavour of the month. I remember waking up on my birthday in vegas and being annoyed with myself for not being happy. Because ive  not been happy for so long ive spent my time pushing people away. I pushed them away to make my death easier for everyone involved. What do i do now? How do i fix things? Although im still not sure i want to build bridges… maybe because of the guilt i feel for putting people through the hardship of being my friend. So as you can see i am still living in the past, full of regret and bitterness that things havent been easier.

Today is my birthday and I’m riding high
Hair is dripping, hiding that I’m terrified
But this is summer, playing dumber than in fall
Everything I say falls right back into everything
I’m not in the swing of things
But what I really mean is
Not in the swing of things yet – Lorde. Still Sane

I dont have any friends anymore, purely just people i know.  I do. My silly brain is trying to convince me of otherwise. I have five good people friends in my life, B is one of them. Im scared of getting close to people, its taking all of my energy to keep things between me and B simple, something is wrong there…

Still no aims or ambitions floating around in my head, i wish i was motivated to sort my little mess out.

I wanted this post to be a positive look towards recovery. Sometimes its only when i write things down that i see how damaged i still am. Honestly, im terrified of recovery and having to pick my life up again.