Tag Archives: Mental health

It’s hard having a psychiatrist father

It’s hard having a psychiatrist father,
I have no faith in his life’s career.
I think it’s all lies, there’s no saving me now.
I’ve come to far.

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Anxiety

My anxiety is soo bad at the moment. I just jumped out of my skin because I dropped a crisp on myself.

Funnily enough I’m also watching One Flew over the cuckoos nest.

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?

meaning of life

 

I cant seem to think of any reasons why i should continue living. Everything i seem to read suggests i need a goal to strive to achieve in order to give my days meaning. I dont have any goals or any wants so what do i do now? Some people might not understand that i dont want anything, whilst others might completely understand my point of view.

 

At school we were constantly asked what we wanted to become. “what do you want to be when you grow up?” i absolutely hated that question. How does a child decide what they want to devote their lives to? I remember being dazzled with all my classmates answers and thinking “wow they have it all thought out”. Why do i have no ambition? Does it have something to do with my upbringing? In our family we have always been expected to go to university, but we had the freedom to choose any sort of degree that we wished. I guess that gave me a MASSIVE choice of future careers, maybe i was too overwhelmed to pick a specific one. All i remember was that i wanted to be rich.

 

Recently ive come into into a large amount of money, and i have absolutely no clue what i should spend it on. I really dont need anything because i really am rather privileged and i live at home with my parents. So ive got too much money to know what to do with and i guess ive achieved that childhood wish of being rich, now what?

 

Being rich hasnt made me any happier and i still feel that horrible numb/bored/dull/lifeless feeling that i seem to get from antidepressants. I spend all day searching the corners of my mind for reasons to live and reasons to die. My pros/cons list isnt very long and is most likely tainted by my ill mental health.

 

The truth is i dont want to live and i refuse to live. I refuse to finish my degree, i refuse to make new friendships, i refuse to find a life partner and to create life, i refuse to start a career and ultimately i refuse to grow up. All this i think i decided many years ago when faced with that question “what would you like to do if you had infinite resources and abilities”, i dont want anything.

 

I dont want to exisit. 

 

When/how i choose to stop existing i need to leave my loved ones behind in the kindest way possible, i guess from now on my energy will go on preparing.

 

People fear death even more than pain. It’s strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend.
Jim Morrison 


 

Mirtazapine sucks

A week ago I upped my mirtazapine from 30mg to 45mg and I think it’s actually making me feel worse. Again I seem to be obsessing over death, my sucky life and nothing holds my attention for longer than 10 minutes unless it is something depression related. So my mood lightened for a few weeks and now I’m heading back down the black hole, perfect timing for Christmas. Then again the fact Christmas is three days away could be making me feel worse. You know, pressure, stress and all that.

Other than the low mood I’ve also noticed the LOVELY sedative symptom that I got from the mirtazapine seems to be wearing off. I spend hours lying in bed thinking how great it would be to be dead even though I’ve lost hope that I can achieve a successful suicide. That sort of makes it worse, I’m hopeless now.

I’ve tried sertraline, citalopram and now mirtazapine when will I find something that works?

What happened to me?

Why have I ended up in this state?

It’s been almost 8 months since my first hospitalisation, why have things not changed? Why do I just sink further?

Is this really just depression? How long does it last?

claustrophobia

Suddenly i seem to have developed claustrophobia. Maybe now my anxiety has settled i am able to distinguish clear symptoms of my anxiety or perhaps its even a side effect from the mirtazapine.

I dont think i would self diagnose this as typical claustrophobia as i dont get scared, just angry and agitated to the point of wanting to break everything in sight, strip off my clothes and shave my head bald.

Before my anxiety would make me want to avoid loud, crowded and hot spaces but now i even find it difficult to hide under the covers or even find sanctuary in the bath. I dont know how i am suppose to calm myself anymore.

Im sure everyone will say “go for a quiet walk”, but its soo cold out that i need to layer up and layers of hot sweaty clothes do nothing to sooth the claustrophobia.

For now i’ll just stick my head out the window and look totally normal….

Any top tips or sympathisers?