I cant seem to think of any reasons why i should continue living. Everything i seem to read suggests i need a goal to strive to achieve in order to give my days meaning. I dont have any goals or any wants so what do i do now? Some people might not understand that i dont want anything, whilst others might completely understand my point of view.
At school we were constantly asked what we wanted to become. “what do you want to be when you grow up?” i absolutely hated that question. How does a child decide what they want to devote their lives to? I remember being dazzled with all my classmates answers and thinking “wow they have it all thought out”. Why do i have no ambition? Does it have something to do with my upbringing? In our family we have always been expected to go to university, but we had the freedom to choose any sort of degree that we wished. I guess that gave me a MASSIVE choice of future careers, maybe i was too overwhelmed to pick a specific one. All i remember was that i wanted to be rich.
Recently ive come into into a large amount of money, and i have absolutely no clue what i should spend it on. I really dont need anything because i really am rather privileged and i live at home with my parents. So ive got too much money to know what to do with and i guess ive achieved that childhood wish of being rich, now what?
Being rich hasnt made me any happier and i still feel that horrible numb/bored/dull/lifeless feeling that i seem to get from antidepressants. I spend all day searching the corners of my mind for reasons to live and reasons to die. My pros/cons list isnt very long and is most likely tainted by my ill mental health.
The truth is i dont want to live and i refuse to live. I refuse to finish my degree, i refuse to make new friendships, i refuse to find a life partner and to create life, i refuse to start a career and ultimately i refuse to grow up. All this i think i decided many years ago when faced with that question “what would you like to do if you had infinite resources and abilities”, i dont want anything.
I dont want to exisit.
When/how i choose to stop existing i need to leave my loved ones behind in the kindest way possible, i guess from now on my energy will go on preparing.
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