Tag Archives: depression

It’s hard having a psychiatrist father

It’s hard having a psychiatrist father,
I have no faith in his life’s career.
I think it’s all lies, there’s no saving me now.
I’ve come to far.

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Depression

It’s the hours of longing to be dead but without the hope.

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?

not good

Im so very unhappy.

 

I dont know what to do with myself. I can either do nothing and continue living in the literal darkness of my room (i never turn lights on or open the curtains, continue to see my pdoc who doesnt know how else to treat me as i dont like therapy and drugs are not working, or just do anything i can to kill myself – ive lost all hope in overdoses after many failed attempts and i just see any option as being destined to fail.

I stare at my phone or tv all day, i dont exchange more than 6 words with people per day. No on calls or texts and ive deleted myself from all social networks.

okay i lie, i had an argument with my dad yesterday. I saw a new suitcase downstairs and questioned my dad why he had bought one as for two weeks ive been told my parents are no longer going on holiday because of me. i imediatly got angry and shouted “so youve made me feel like shit for two weeks, beating myself up thinking i ruin your lives, why have you purposely made me feel shit?”

My stepmom – “you make us feel shit too”

cue tears and locking myself in my room, i ate a whole pizza in about 2 minutes also.

 

Later on my dad came to my room and apologised, said he hadnt gone about things in the right way, said they are going on holiday still, wanted to know if i had any suicidal thoughts. I was honest and said i didnt trust talking to him anymore because of our last argument (conversation actually – they leave me alone in my safe place of my room apparently).  

 

Obviously i am glad they are going on holiday and i am not stopping them but i cant help feel overwhelmed with pressure and responsibility. I can in no way harm myself while they are away, it would just be me and my younger brother alone. He cant drive, he can barely cook and he doesn’t feed the cats. I guess my parents may put me on their car insurance, i have not drove in over a year, ive always been an anxious driver. I cant burden him with my actions, the pressure of responsibility having to look after the household, the cats and my brother while i cant even do basic things for myself is horrifying. Then again perhaps i’ll just have to suck it up.

 

Writing has stopped the tears – im glad, but i know they will be back.

 

I’ve put on two stone

Thanks mirtazapine.

Three months that’s all it took. I’ve all ways had an amazing metabolism, I’m used to being able to eat whatever I wanted to.

I feel the rolls of fat whenever I move. I’ve never been bigger than a size 10, now I’m probably a size 14. I live my life in old baggy pj’s so I wouldn’t know.

I wish i had the courage

I wish i had the courage to do it. To end my life.

This past two weeks have been full of anger, upset and quietness between me and my family. It started with a conversation between me and my father, all because i confessed i didnt want to receive anymore treatment for my mental health, hes a psychiatrist and didnt take it very well to say the least. To please him and to avoid anymore arguments i agreed to go to my psychiatrist appointment and then to meet a therapist yesterday.

My therapist spent the majority of our appointment staring at the wall past my head and appologising for not knowing how to treat me further. I raised my thoughts of not wanting treatment and my presence  being fully due to emotional blackmail from my parents. I even opened up about longing for the courage to do it, to kill myself. She expressed her sadness that i feel so low. The appointment ended with her urging me to see the therapist she recommended and we agreed to meet in two weeks. She thinks i am still taking my medication – im not.

So i went to the therapist, obediently went with my stepmother. We sat in the waiting room and i told her how i didnt want to be there, felt forced to be there and in return was told my parents are no longer going on their holiday because of me. Great.

The appointment went rather smoothly. I told her how i didnt want to be there and i had no intention of “getting better”. I spewed out my early childhood story, its dramatic and comes easily, ive told it a million times (so often and its so lengthly i cant be bothered to type it here, most people who know me know of it). She told me i was by far her client with the most complex and troubling childhood that she has ever come across – this leads me to believe i am more of an interest to her due to my fascinating life, probably saving her from her daily encounters with bored housewives rather than actually wanting/knowing how to fix me (maybe a bit of both). In the first meeting she told me of how i have abandonment issues and a lack of self. She aims for me to discover my own identity away from the apparent 16 year old obliging girl (i am actually 22 but apparently i act and speak like a 16 year old) to two emotionaly black mailing parents.

So yeah im not very into this therapy thing, especially with her. In an hour and a half she made me feel somehow worse than i already feel about myself. She also made me feel negatively about my father and my stepmother who i adore. Why would i want to feel bad against my parents? I now feel underachieving and childish and honestly id rather not know anymore about my “true self”, it all sounds like im pretty messed up.

I somehow have to break the news to my parents, maybe i’ll just be honest and say i dont want to see her again because i dont want to think negatively of them. I really dont think they will take no for an answer though… Yesterday i was told to either get better or get a job and move out. Ive spent six months being comatose in bed, i dont think they will allow it for much longer.

ergh. Its heartbreaking but i think they will be the ones to push me. I wish that wasnt true. I am a cowardly lion.

Protecting my easily manipulated brain.

Ive been thinking. I’m not only a shit writer and shit at putting my thoughts into words, I’m actually just shit at thinking.

My brain is so dead and numb that I don’t think I have any of my own thoughts. I soak up everything negative I read on here and pow that becomes my latest thought/obsession. I don’t filter anything, I am a sponge.

I’m scared therapy (rearranged an appointment for Thursday as a second attempt) will make me change my thoughts on the world and become less depressed.

For me it’s easier to be depressed. For six months I have been allowed to wallow in self pity and hate while binge eating and sleeping. Why would I want any different?

The world doesn’t seem hopeful and filled with opportunity. It’s cruel and lonely. I don’t want a therapist to change my so easily manipulated mind into actually wanting to survive.

My flight response is a lot more comforting. I purposely ignore positive comments and positive posts, how will I ignore the strong powers a person with a degree/ and/or years of training will have?

I’m only going to please my parents. I’m honestly only still alive because I’m too depressed/lifeless/ starved of energy to do anything about it.