I was promised to be seen by a councillor today. I’ve been waiting my the phone all day as I know the opening times are 9-6 and still I haven’t been contacted. It’s 4pm, doubt I’ll get an appointment anymore.
I understand the NHS is stretched and I’m lucky to receive any healthcare at all.Six months I’ve been waiting for a councillor/CBT anything. You would think after two failed suicide attempts in a month someone would be taking me seriously.
They have probably lost my number or have someone more critical to look after. Who am I to demand free treatment?
This morning I tried to prepare myself to make some important decisions with the councillor , university decisions, living arrangement decisions, choosing to live… That sort of thing. The longer I take to make some of the decisions, the fewer options I have and the more shitty life appears. I have one year of funding left for university. Do I continue this year and potentially fuck it all up and have another breakdown or defer till February and do it all then?
I give up. I choose to lie in bed and think of how the NHS has let me down again.
I’ve had two hours sleep and I’m loosing all faith.
Tomorrow i hope will be a turning point in my life that i can say ‘fixed me’. I am finally meeting a councillor. After two suicide attempts that have resulted in hospital stays, then you would think it was about time i was taken seriously. The NHS waiting list is 6-8 months long, NHS sort it out!
Dont get me wrong now. I love the NHS, it is a fantastic organisation. Although they have their ups and downs (dont we all!) they do offer world class medical care for free! I cant imagine our country without it. I just wish that the government would put more money into areas who have poor mental health services.
A few days before my latest overdose (2 weeks ago) i finally found the courage to ask my doctor to refer me to CBT. My opinions of CBT really are not fantastic. I can imagine being back in school with teachers forcing me to do PE because its good for me. Fair enough CBT is apparently very successful and my step mother raves about it. I just cant help but feeling it is all a bit silly, and i dont know how it could possibly convince me that the world isnt hell on earth or suddenly find me Something to live for
Im not too sure what to expect in the first appointment. Ive done one of those “rate your feelings from 1-10” sort of questionnaires. I guess they will just go over my responses? The fact i had a reply a day later to my questionnaire must mean that they think i’m quite at risk to offer me appointments that very week . That means i get to skip the awkward telephone triage. The last time i got to this point over the telephone i decided i didnt like the doctor (after a twitter stalk). I deemed her not suitable.I hope Omisona is nice, she seemed alright on the very short phone call we had to arrange our first meeting (WHICH IS TOMORROW ). I still cant help to be a bit unnerved about her credentials as i dont actually know what she is! Be it Doctor, Nurse or just a councillor. All i know is that she works for Birmingham Healthy Minds and i am seeing her at 9am.
Honest Minds are Healthy Minds.
Ive never really spoken much about my suicide attempts or mental health at all, i usually hide a lot from my doctor too. Ive decided to be completely honest tomorrow with this councillor as my last attempt to get better. Ive felt very numb for the last few days. I would rather cry non stop for days than feel numb and lifeless. Doctors always ask you if you would attempt it again, are they stupid? Ofcourse every single patient who you ask that question to will lie. If i said “yeah i have my rope tied up and ready to go’ they would send you straight to the 24 hour watch ward.
I wonder what questions they will ask me
Q1. Why did you come here?
A1. Because i was told you can make people feel better
Q2. What can i do to make you feel better?
A2. Thats your fucking job to know that.
The questions always seem so stupid. Most days i just stare at the wall because im so numb from feelings. Im not feeling extreamly suicidal but i would be over the moon to be told im having incurable liver failure. I just want to be happy. Im going to take my list of things i want to achieve with me incase i get a memory blank.
Things that i want to achieve;
- Be more positive
- Not to dwell
- Be content on my own (living alone and without a relationship)
- Not to push away friends and family
- Relaxation to help with chest pains and anxiety itch.
I guess i’ll update you tomorrow x
September 2, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tagged anxiety, Cognitive behavioral therapy, Councillor, depression, Disorders, First CBT, Health, Mental health, National Health Service, NHS