Tag Archives: Cognitive behavioral therapy

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?

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Meeting my first councillor

Tomorrow i hope will be a turning point in my life that i can say ‘fixed me’. I am finally meeting a councillor. After two suicide attempts that have resulted in hospital stays, then you would think it was about time i was taken seriously. The NHS waiting list is 6-8 months long, NHS sort it out!

Dont get me wrong now. I love the NHS, it is a fantastic organisation. Although they have their ups and downs (dont we all!) they do offer world class medical care for free! I cant imagine our country without it. I just wish that the government would put more money into areas who have poor mental health services.

A few days before my latest overdose (2 weeks ago) i finally found the courage to ask my doctor to refer me to CBT. My opinions of CBT really are not fantastic. I can imagine being back in school with teachers forcing me to do PE because its good for me. Fair enough CBT is apparently very successful and my step mother raves about it. I just cant help but feeling it is all a bit silly, and i dont know how it could possibly convince me that the world isnt hell on earth or suddenly find me Something to live for

Im not too sure what to expect in the first appointment. Ive done one of those “rate your feelings from 1-10” sort of questionnaires. I guess they will just go over my responses? The fact i had a reply a day later to my questionnaire must mean that they think i’m quite at risk to offer me appointments that very week . That means i get to skip the awkward telephone triage. The last time i got to this point over the telephone i decided i didnt like the doctor (after a twitter stalk). I deemed her not suitable.I hope Omisona is nice, she seemed alright on the very short phone call we had to arrange our first meeting (WHICH IS TOMORROW ). I still cant help to be a bit unnerved about her credentials as i dont actually know what she is! Be it Doctor, Nurse or just a councillor. All i know is that she works for Birmingham Healthy Minds and i am seeing her at 9am.

 Honest Minds are Healthy Minds.

Ive never really spoken much about my suicide attempts or mental health at all, i usually hide a lot from my doctor too. Ive decided to be completely honest tomorrow with this councillor as my last attempt to get better. Ive felt very numb for the last few days. I would rather cry non stop for days than feel numb and lifeless. Doctors always ask you if you would attempt it again, are they stupid? Ofcourse every single patient who you ask that question to will lie. If i said “yeah i have my rope tied up and ready to go’ they would send you straight to the 24 hour watch ward.

I wonder what questions they will ask me 
Q1. Why did you come here? 
A1. Because i was told you can make people feel better
Q2. What can i do to make you feel better? 
A2. Thats your fucking job to know that.
 

The questions always seem so stupid. Most days i just stare at the wall because im so numb from feelings. Im not feeling extreamly suicidal but i would be over the moon to be told im having incurable liver failure. I just want to be happy. Im going to take my list of things i want to achieve with me incase i get a memory blank.

Things that i want to achieve;

  1. Be more positive
  2. Not to dwell
  3. Be content on my own (living alone and without a relationship)
  4. Not to push away friends and family
  5. Relaxation to help with chest pains and anxiety itch.
  6. SLEEEP

I guess i’ll update you tomorrow x

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