A week ago I upped my mirtazapine from 30mg to 45mg and I think it’s actually making me feel worse. Again I seem to be obsessing over death, my sucky life and nothing holds my attention for longer than 10 minutes unless it is something depression related. So my mood lightened for a few weeks and now I’m heading back down the black hole, perfect timing for Christmas. Then again the fact Christmas is three days away could be making me feel worse. You know, pressure, stress and all that.
Other than the low mood I’ve also noticed the LOVELY sedative symptom that I got from the mirtazapine seems to be wearing off. I spend hours lying in bed thinking how great it would be to be dead even though I’ve lost hope that I can achieve a successful suicide. That sort of makes it worse, I’m hopeless now.
I’ve tried sertraline, citalopram and now mirtazapine when will I find something that works?
The date this evening was lovely, he is lovely. Problem is I don’t think it’s fair for anyone (not even myself) to be lied to, thinking I’m happy when I truly am not. I don’t want to be someone’s project to “fix”. I really can’t get close to someone while consciously preparing for my suicide without being a total bitch. Not sure how to tell the guy I’m not suitable for dating!
So my GP upped my Citalopram from 20mg to 30mg, turns out she didn’t bother to contact the mental health team and find out what they would offer me as I am seen as “at too high of risk” for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy).
So I have to wait another two weeks to see my pdoc, hopefully he will have some grand plans (then no doubt I’ll be added to the bottom of a waiting list to experience those grand plans). I know I keep going on about this but if I’m at such a high risk why is no one offering the help I’m begging for? I don’t get it! I spend the few hours a day that I am awake looking for the best hanging locations for god sake. GP and Pdoc both know my plans for “around December (not exactly a lie…)” , why don’t they see the severity of this like I do?
Before I kept all plans to myself, only now am I truly being honest in hope of getting better. I can’t live like this forever. This health service is doing nothing but making my plans seem more appealing.
So far in my experience of mental health care in the NHS is pretty awful. I just keep getting pushed out of the door with increased dosages and empty promises.
If it wasn’t for my parents being doctors and huge believers in antidepressants then I would give up on the drugs all together. They have done nothing but make me feel cold and lifeless like a corpse. I’m not thriving at all in this state, barely getting through each day.
I’ve tried eating well, a small amount of exercise, socialising and even self help YouTube videos. All of which seem like a waste of breath, effort, money and guilt. Why does doing nothing but living in bed seem to make me feel comfortable. I use comfortable loosely as it seems like a good word to use in the sense that you can only make a terminal patient comfortable in their final days.
So I’ve picked a day, I don’t plan on going into it in detail of my plan on here, not sure how anyone would benefit from that.
Citalopram seems to be giving me some strange dreams. The first night of being on citalopram I dreamt that I had a massive argument with my stepmom. Most people would say that is normal, not for me it isn’t! I don’t think I have ever had an argument with her, I adore her. Well I woke up angry and upset with her for NO APPARENT REASON! The feeling lasted all day and I can still remember it very vividly.
Today I was watching tv and a woman put on a necklace, I looked down to hold the similar necklace I was wearing… Only I wasn’t wearing one! For about an hour I puzzled over where the necklace had gone till I concluded I must of dreamed it and got lost in the blurred lines of dream world and the real world.
Those are just two odd sleep/awake related goings on over the last three nights. I think I’ll bring this up with my doctor as well as the weird rash. I think it’s safe to say I don’t like citalopram much.
Oh also I’ve been very clumsy! I threw a whole mug over the tv by accident this morning. I am very rarely clumsy so it’s a bit odd. The tv is working fine thank god!!!