Tag Archives: CBT

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?


Dating advice for the depressed? Please!

Warning: this post may make me appear full of myself. Like most people suffering from depression and anxiety I am actually full of self pitty. Please don’t take what I say as cocky. I am being painfully truthful, painful because I’m sure many people wouldn’t admit such things that I do.

I’m not being funny but… I do well at attracting the other sex, I always have. I think it has something to do with my “confidence”. It’s no secret that I go from one guy to the next, that in itself may show that I’m not in fact confident in myself at all.

I am never content with being alone and without the comfort of someone who I can call mine. I’ve always done this , be it with a boy or even a best friend, all of whom I would love unconditionally and would be inseparable from.

Only days ago I came to the harsh conclusion that I had been used over summer with that summer romance dickhead. Already a new guy is on the scene. Funnily an ex introduced him to me and even gave him my number. The fact that my ex (D) approves of him (B) is wonderful as D hates all the guys I’ve “had relations with” and i know he would hate for anyone to hurt me in my current mental state!

As I said earlier I just can’t seem to live without a guy in my life and me and B have been getting on like a house on firehowever, when something goes wrong (inevitable) I crash and burn so so so bad! The amount of deep depressions I end up in because of boys is ridiculous and seriously detrimental to my health.

All my followers know I have a date set (start of December) and part of me thinks what’s the point in getting close to someone then just to have one more person to feel guilty for when I choose to end my life? and then another part of me thinks this guy could change my entire outlook on life! and then I think it will all end in tears and I’ll be back at square one.

Disney what the fuck have you done to me? Why do I expect perfect? Depression I hate you for making me so damn negative and hopeless!

So I literally don’t know what to do/think. He wants to go for drinks on Thursday gaaaaahh. The anxiety about that alone deserves it’s whole own blog post! Any advice would be fantastic!

This is why I need CBT, fuck you CBT people for saying I’m too severe and too at risk for you to help me but then not actually offering/ helping me with anything else. So you just discharge me and leave me to fend for myself.


NHS full of empty promises

I was promised to be seen by a councillor today. I’ve been waiting my the phone all day as I know the opening times are 9-6 and still I haven’t been contacted. It’s 4pm, doubt I’ll get an appointment anymore.

I understand the NHS is stretched and I’m lucky to receive any healthcare at all.Six months I’ve been waiting for a councillor/CBT anything. You would think after two failed suicide attempts in a month someone would be taking me seriously.

They have probably lost my number or have someone more critical to look after. Who am I to demand free treatment?

This morning I tried to prepare myself to make some important decisions with the councillor , university decisions, living arrangement decisions, choosing to live… That sort of thing. The longer I take to make some of the decisions, the fewer options I have and the more shitty life appears. I have one year of funding left for university. Do I continue this year and potentially fuck it all up and have another breakdown or defer till February and do it all then?

I give up. I choose to lie in bed and think of how the NHS has let me down again.

I’ve had two hours sleep and I’m loosing all faith.

How I realised I was falling apart.

Thought it was time to tell you all how I lost control over my thoughts, feelings and basically my life…Or how I realised I was falling apart.

Like all tragedies it starts with a romance…

D was one of those people I’ve always known of, some sort of celebrity, popular. Although he is not typically good looking he is extraordinary. One of the most complex, interesting and caring people I have ever had the joy of getting to know. At first I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, oh did that change.

Together we became “L and D”. Everyone knew we belonged to each other. No not in a controlling way, in a way where we were just together and nothing could get between us. We had our ups and downs, who doesn’t? The thing about good pairings is that you manage to get through the rough times. We would always talk things though and fix it.

I spent 3 important years of my life with him, from when I was 17 till I was 20. Those years shape you as a young adult. We stuck together through him being at Uni and me going through two years at university. I never regret “settling down” with him. Everyone said “be single at Uni, you will regret it”.

I truly think my depression (neither of us understanding or realising it) was the cause of our relationship ending. I was not happy with myself, my life or the world. I thought I wasn’t happy with D either. I turned into a paranoid mess, I was over thinking everything and I accused him a lot of things. Now I realise my paranoia was ridiculous, at the time i was torturing myself. I ended it.

To say I regretted it would be a understatement. I loathed myself for giving up so easily. I pushed him away, the one person I’ve ever told EVERYTHING. The one person who would always be there for me. The one person I adored.

I didn’t slowly spiral out of control, I exploded. Some of the things I did out of desperation and self hatred are hard to think of. I think I’ve erased a lot of what I did out of my memory. The hell I put him through, the worry and the exhaustion must of pushed him to the edge.

Not only did I threaten to commit suicide, I ruined at least two of his possible new relationships. Why would I want to ruin any chance of happiness for him? Perhaps I still thought of us as one, who went through the same things together, as if the same person. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did?

My method of coping was alcohol and sleeping with people I didn’t really like. I have always craved attention and comfort in males. Not sure why. I’m sure there must be some daddy/mommy issues at the root of it all.

D kept in-contact with me for a long time, and put up with my shit while everyone was telling him he was stupid. He would plead with me to sort myself out and seek medical advice. I didn’t listen. He stopped speaking to me (sort of my decision too, I always feel the need to be in-control). It was only when I started opening up to the doctors that he would speak to me again. Only till very recently (since being sober) he has trusted me with his phone number. We have even been spending time together, obviously with mutual friends around.

So it took over a whole year to be able to be “friends” since breaking up. Yes It still hurts and I have feelings for him, I would be worried if I didn’t. I will never put that boy through what I have already made him endure, I adore him too much to loose him again.

Keeping him at arms length is difficult and I still mourn our relationship, but I am soo grateful that I have him back in my life. I doubt I’ll ever find someone like him again.

I’ve seen quite a few other men since our relationship ended, my quest for sexual comfort I guess. I’m not seeking for a relationship, guess I have lost faith in them. I don’t like what I turn into. Perhaps CBT will help me with my relationship “issues”, that’s what I asked my doctor for help with way back in January. 9 months ago. I’ve still not seen a councillor (sometimes my own fault) that’s not the top of my issues to deal with but it’s defiantly on the list.

So yeah, now when I refer to him, you will know who I am on about. I haven’t even touched the surface of our story really.