This post is as promised an update.
I think its safe so say ive somehow surfaced from the worst depression i think is possible to experience. Anyone who has been reading this blog would have noticed i have been extremely suicidal. Although i have no plans or temptation to try anything that will result in my death currently , it still does haunt my mind. The moment anyone says something i dont like (for example my stepmom told me i couldnt leave my yoga ball in the hallway- i took this as she didnt want me to live in her house) i automatically decide that my life is too difficult, scary and worthless.
So what have i been doing? Not much. My new psychologist doesnt think i should worry about getting a job till the new year, my parents agree. How lucky am I!!! To have a supportive family who are sheltering me from stress, pressure and fear – all of which seem to send me spiralling in to that horrible place ive just escaped from.
Looking back, no wonder i lost grip on reality, i was completely secluded and barely surviving. I dont want to go back there. My psychiatrist is trying to find me a therapist who she knows, still a slow process but much better than the NHS. The last time i met with my NHS psychiatrist i told him my plans of killing myself on the 30th of november (three days from now) i thought that telling him would provoke a reaction and for him to take me seriously, a week ago i had a letter telling me that i had to wait THREE months for my next appointment with him. I have no doubt in my mind that i would be dead if it wasnt for my father
blackmailing asking me to see his friend, my new psychiatrist. She has started me on 30 mg Mirtazapine, my appetite is massive and my energy levels are low, self confidence is zero. For the first time in years i feel ugly, fat and insignificant. I truly believe moving back home has helped me the most.
I also have to thank B, things have been going very steady between us, but he gives me a reason to try to adhere to some sort of normal routine, basically because its embarrassing to be a lifeless mess of a nearly 22 year old.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Im choosing not to celebrate it. I dont feel in the mood to celebrate anything, not even the start of my recovery. Last year i spent my birthday in vegas with my best friend and my flavour of the month. My best friend hates me and i hate my flavour of the month. I remember waking up on my birthday in vegas and being annoyed with myself for not being happy. Because ive not been happy for so long ive spent my time pushing people away. I pushed them away to make my death easier for everyone involved. What do i do now? How do i fix things? Although im still not sure i want to build bridges… maybe because of the guilt i feel for putting people through the hardship of being my friend. So as you can see i am still living in the past, full of regret and bitterness that things havent been easier.
Today is my birthday and I’m riding high
Hair is dripping, hiding that I’m terrified
But this is summer, playing dumber than in fall
Everything I say falls right back into everything
I’m not in the swing of things
But what I really mean is
Not in the swing of things yet – Lorde. Still Sane
I dont have any friends anymore, purely just people i know. I do. My silly brain is trying to convince me of otherwise. I have five good people friends in my life, B is one of them. Im scared of getting close to people, its taking all of my energy to keep things between me and B simple, something is wrong there…
Still no aims or ambitions floating around in my head, i wish i was motivated to sort my little mess out.
I wanted this post to be a positive look towards recovery. Sometimes its only when i write things down that i see how damaged i still am. Honestly, im terrified of recovery and having to pick my life up again.