Tag Archives: anxiety

Crashed

I just crashed my parents car. Great, as if our relationship wasn’t strained enough as it is.

I finally braved the journey to my pdoc. I’ve never been a confident driver since crashing just after I passed my test (4 years ago) and this really has confirmed I should never be in control of a moving massive metal death machine ever again.

So it was due to mistakes of my own and the other driver… Basically I was in the outer lane and not knowing which exit to take, the driver on the inside lane assumed I was taking the exit when I wasn’t and he slammed right into my side of the car. I was in the wrong lane YES but I didn’t indicate to leave the roundabout and he should of seen I wasn’t exiting and slowed down.

I feel absolutely terrible. The car still functions fine but it most defiantly needs some bumps removed and a new side mirror. His car is fine, just a few scratches. I’m glad I was driving really slow!!

My dad says it seems like it was due to error on both our parts. After a bit of ranting at me he calmed down when I explained what happened.

I’m surprised I managed to coherently exchange insurance details and drive the rest of the way home before having a full blown anxiety attack and hyperventilating.

I just feel shit now. I’ll never drive again, probably will never afford insurance, and stay stuck at home forever like the recluse I should be.

15mins prior to the crash my pdoc was pleased to see how I was choosing to leave the house, even if it was to only get food. Well that’s now put to an end.

I hate myself and I hate my life.

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Anxiety

My anxiety is soo bad at the moment. I just jumped out of my skin because I dropped a crisp on myself.

Funnily enough I’m also watching One Flew over the cuckoos nest.

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?

I wish i had the courage

I wish i had the courage to do it. To end my life.

This past two weeks have been full of anger, upset and quietness between me and my family. It started with a conversation between me and my father, all because i confessed i didnt want to receive anymore treatment for my mental health, hes a psychiatrist and didnt take it very well to say the least. To please him and to avoid anymore arguments i agreed to go to my psychiatrist appointment and then to meet a therapist yesterday.

My therapist spent the majority of our appointment staring at the wall past my head and appologising for not knowing how to treat me further. I raised my thoughts of not wanting treatment and my presence  being fully due to emotional blackmail from my parents. I even opened up about longing for the courage to do it, to kill myself. She expressed her sadness that i feel so low. The appointment ended with her urging me to see the therapist she recommended and we agreed to meet in two weeks. She thinks i am still taking my medication – im not.

So i went to the therapist, obediently went with my stepmother. We sat in the waiting room and i told her how i didnt want to be there, felt forced to be there and in return was told my parents are no longer going on their holiday because of me. Great.

The appointment went rather smoothly. I told her how i didnt want to be there and i had no intention of “getting better”. I spewed out my early childhood story, its dramatic and comes easily, ive told it a million times (so often and its so lengthly i cant be bothered to type it here, most people who know me know of it). She told me i was by far her client with the most complex and troubling childhood that she has ever come across – this leads me to believe i am more of an interest to her due to my fascinating life, probably saving her from her daily encounters with bored housewives rather than actually wanting/knowing how to fix me (maybe a bit of both). In the first meeting she told me of how i have abandonment issues and a lack of self. She aims for me to discover my own identity away from the apparent 16 year old obliging girl (i am actually 22 but apparently i act and speak like a 16 year old) to two emotionaly black mailing parents.

So yeah im not very into this therapy thing, especially with her. In an hour and a half she made me feel somehow worse than i already feel about myself. She also made me feel negatively about my father and my stepmother who i adore. Why would i want to feel bad against my parents? I now feel underachieving and childish and honestly id rather not know anymore about my “true self”, it all sounds like im pretty messed up.

I somehow have to break the news to my parents, maybe i’ll just be honest and say i dont want to see her again because i dont want to think negatively of them. I really dont think they will take no for an answer though… Yesterday i was told to either get better or get a job and move out. Ive spent six months being comatose in bed, i dont think they will allow it for much longer.

ergh. Its heartbreaking but i think they will be the ones to push me. I wish that wasnt true. I am a cowardly lion.

Protecting my easily manipulated brain.

Ive been thinking. I’m not only a shit writer and shit at putting my thoughts into words, I’m actually just shit at thinking.

My brain is so dead and numb that I don’t think I have any of my own thoughts. I soak up everything negative I read on here and pow that becomes my latest thought/obsession. I don’t filter anything, I am a sponge.

I’m scared therapy (rearranged an appointment for Thursday as a second attempt) will make me change my thoughts on the world and become less depressed.

For me it’s easier to be depressed. For six months I have been allowed to wallow in self pity and hate while binge eating and sleeping. Why would I want any different?

The world doesn’t seem hopeful and filled with opportunity. It’s cruel and lonely. I don’t want a therapist to change my so easily manipulated mind into actually wanting to survive.

My flight response is a lot more comforting. I purposely ignore positive comments and positive posts, how will I ignore the strong powers a person with a degree/ and/or years of training will have?

I’m only going to please my parents. I’m honestly only still alive because I’m too depressed/lifeless/ starved of energy to do anything about it.

New relationship with depression.

Things with B are progressing, I should be overjoyed that I’m lucky enough to have met someone as amazing as he is… But it’s really a huge source of anxiety for me.

I’m still very much depressed. I find being around people daunting and exhausting. B is a very kind and relaxed kind of person who I know doesn’t mind the “quiet” me but I can’t help feeling guilty for not being the fun lydia who I wish I still was. I imagine it being very hard to be the not depressed person in the relationship especially in a very new relationship.

I’m never in the mood for sex and I sometimes find it daunting just spending time with B. This isn’t because he makes me feel boring or anything bad (he’s very understanding)… just because I wish I could be the person I used to be.

He wants to spend lots of time with me this weekend, I’ve made excuses because it feels nicer than saying “sorry I don’t feel like it”. I feel awful making these crap excuses and I can only see them becoming more frequent.

What to do, what to do? I can’t drag him down with me but it’s too serious now to call it off without upsetting him. Part of me regrets getting close to him as I saw this coming.

Any ideas what I should do or honest experiences would be lovely.

claustrophobia

Suddenly i seem to have developed claustrophobia. Maybe now my anxiety has settled i am able to distinguish clear symptoms of my anxiety or perhaps its even a side effect from the mirtazapine.

I dont think i would self diagnose this as typical claustrophobia as i dont get scared, just angry and agitated to the point of wanting to break everything in sight, strip off my clothes and shave my head bald.

Before my anxiety would make me want to avoid loud, crowded and hot spaces but now i even find it difficult to hide under the covers or even find sanctuary in the bath. I dont know how i am suppose to calm myself anymore.

Im sure everyone will say “go for a quiet walk”, but its soo cold out that i need to layer up and layers of hot sweaty clothes do nothing to sooth the claustrophobia.

For now i’ll just stick my head out the window and look totally normal….

Any top tips or sympathisers?