Crashed

I just crashed my parents car. Great, as if our relationship wasn’t strained enough as it is.

I finally braved the journey to my pdoc. I’ve never been a confident driver since crashing just after I passed my test (4 years ago) and this really has confirmed I should never be in control of a moving massive metal death machine ever again.

So it was due to mistakes of my own and the other driver… Basically I was in the outer lane and not knowing which exit to take, the driver on the inside lane assumed I was taking the exit when I wasn’t and he slammed right into my side of the car. I was in the wrong lane YES but I didn’t indicate to leave the roundabout and he should of seen I wasn’t exiting and slowed down.

I feel absolutely terrible. The car still functions fine but it most defiantly needs some bumps removed and a new side mirror. His car is fine, just a few scratches. I’m glad I was driving really slow!!

My dad says it seems like it was due to error on both our parts. After a bit of ranting at me he calmed down when I explained what happened.

I’m surprised I managed to coherently exchange insurance details and drive the rest of the way home before having a full blown anxiety attack and hyperventilating.

I just feel shit now. I’ll never drive again, probably will never afford insurance, and stay stuck at home forever like the recluse I should be.

15mins prior to the crash my pdoc was pleased to see how I was choosing to leave the house, even if it was to only get food. Well that’s now put to an end.

I hate myself and I hate my life.

Depression

It’s the hours of longing to be dead but without the hope.

Update and thought processes

So its been a few weeks since i last posted anything on here due to a lack of motivation, typical i know.

Pdoc put me on 75 mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine after i stopped taking my medication all together. I needed something to control me but keep me more awake while my parents went on holiday. I started to socialise more with my younger brother and even drove to buy myself some new pj’s that actually fit. I even saw two of my FRIENDS. Ive capitalised that word because for a very long time i felt that i lost my only remaining friends. Sure, they were only back in the local area because they were visiting family but atleast they took a few hours to catch up with me. Still, i have thoughts they do this because they have to appear to be nice rather than actually valuing me as friends. Throughout our meetings i experienced horrid stomach cramps and gas – how mortifying!!! Thats obviously a sign of anxiety, maybe the meds im on now doesnt address anxiety?

Ive spent a long time ignoring my anxiety, perhaps adressing it will make me feel better/more motivated to force myself to try and get my depression fixed (actually attempting exercise and healthy eating rather than just hoping pills will work).

My parents are now home again and i almost automatically felt booted back to the ground. Whilst having no commitments of looking after my younger brother and making sure food is in the house feels like a relief i also feel worthless yet again. I had thoughts of getting my hair cut but they are now replaced with ‘whats the point? may as well just swallow any tablet you can find’.

Amongst them, my parents have alot of medication for numerous different things, i could steal all i can find, book a hotel somewhere and die slowly and painfully whilst in a luxury hotel where they cant find me when they realise i have been on the rob.

They go back to work on thursday, so its not until then that i can assess the damage i could achieve.

I am booked in to seeing my pdoc next wednesday. I’ll atleast wait to see if she offers me anything new, clearly i still have a bit of hope, or perhaps just fear of death. Thats probably a good thing to the world but it just feels like cowardice to me.

Anyway the real reason i decided to write this is because i watched horizon last night and fear i will forget things if i dont write them down. The program discussed thought processes. Process 1 which is fast and instinctive and then process 2 which is slow but rational. The program basically concluded that humans are hard wired to assume they are able to call upon process 2 when needed however us stooopid humans generally always actually just use process 1 rather than process 2. I started to think of my depression and how my stooopid brain does the same thing. Im told CBT will train me and my stoopid brain to be more slow and rational but infact im incapable of doing anything but thought process 1.

I stole this from the independant website as a qucik review of the theories used on the show;

Professor Daniel Kahneman is an eminent psychologist, and has won a Nobel Prize for his work on behavioural economics. Kahneman’s theory is that human beings are nowhere near as rational as we think we are – and that, in fact, most of our decisions are made by a separate, more intuitive psychological system, which is biased both by our species’ evolution and by our own previous experiences (process 1).

My pdoc recently told me i could benefit from CBT as i really didnt appreciate Psychodynamic Therapy, heres a little bit about that;

Psychodynamic therapy is based on the assumption that a person is having emotional problems because of unresolved, generally unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The goal of this type of therapy is for the patient to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about the experiences. Psychodynamic therapy is administered over a period of three to four months, although it can last longer, even years.

So in relation to thought processes 1 and 2 psychodynamic therapy aims to help you understand WHY thought process 1 acts in its own specific way, specific to the individual. It seems to me that this therapy is actually making you think using process 2 rather than one which the horizon show suggested is impossible for humans to do, making it similar to how CBT works aswell. Therapy is just attempting to make you think slower and more rationally which the show said was impossible against things like confirmation bias and all types of bias we have learnt through our lives. YES? So therapy is basically nonsense. (for someone who LOVES Kati Morton on youtube thats hard to write!)

So boom, all hope for a recovery from therapy has vanished from a program. Sure i should use more information to be RATIONAL and not be BIAS but to be honest my brain hurts and depression doesnt help much when researching.

Next on my to do list im going to watch a horizon program on the power of placebo, it will probably discuss anti depressants….que internal combustion? or enlightenment?

I’ve put on two stone

Thanks mirtazapine.

Three months that’s all it took. I’ve all ways had an amazing metabolism, I’m used to being able to eat whatever I wanted to.

I feel the rolls of fat whenever I move. I’ve never been bigger than a size 10, now I’m probably a size 14. I live my life in old baggy pj’s so I wouldn’t know.

Protecting my easily manipulated brain.

Ive been thinking. I’m not only a shit writer and shit at putting my thoughts into words, I’m actually just shit at thinking.

My brain is so dead and numb that I don’t think I have any of my own thoughts. I soak up everything negative I read on here and pow that becomes my latest thought/obsession. I don’t filter anything, I am a sponge.

I’m scared therapy (rearranged an appointment for Thursday as a second attempt) will make me change my thoughts on the world and become less depressed.

For me it’s easier to be depressed. For six months I have been allowed to wallow in self pity and hate while binge eating and sleeping. Why would I want any different?

The world doesn’t seem hopeful and filled with opportunity. It’s cruel and lonely. I don’t want a therapist to change my so easily manipulated mind into actually wanting to survive.

My flight response is a lot more comforting. I purposely ignore positive comments and positive posts, how will I ignore the strong powers a person with a degree/ and/or years of training will have?

I’m only going to please my parents. I’m honestly only still alive because I’m too depressed/lifeless/ starved of energy to do anything about it.

Therapy sessions

I’ve finally got a date to see a psychotherapist and I’m really torn over wether to go or not, it’s next Thursday and I need to email back to confirm if I’m going or not.

My parents say they will pay for me to go and pay for insurance on one of their cars so I can get there. The assessment (everything has a bloody assessment) costs £80 and then each hour session will cost £50. My parents say that’s really cheap but to me that sounds like it will add up to an awful lot. Obviously this is making me feel guilty for being alive and costing my parents sooooo much money. What if I can’t cope with the drive (stress/anxiety etc)? What if therapy doesn’t help? Then I will feel even more like a failure and a waste of resources. I understand my parents love me and want to do all I can but these thoughts are suffocating me. My brother and sisters feel cheated from all the help I get from my parents, I don’t need to add to that.

Surely therapy won’t help because I don’t want it to and won’t allow it to. So what’s the point?

If I don’t go I will feel bad that my parents will worry about it and I also worry my pdoc will be unhappy that I didn’t take her advice of therapist, she’s a family friend and is only seeing me for free as a favour. I only agreed to see her in the first place because my dad was going to force me to go into hospital and have me sectioned (he’s a pdoc and could get me locked up in seconds). My parents are going to New Zealand for two weeks and I know they will emotionally blackmail me into going to therapy unless they won’t go away and they know that’s the last thing I want. My stepmoms sister is dying of cancer and it’s really important that they go to see her.

I just want to rot in bed. I want cancer. I want the earth to swallow me and all traces of me to dissolve from existence, in memory and in solid form.

I guess I’ll have to go. Guilt is the driving force.

Dead

I feel like I’m dead, only my body is taking its own sweet time.

Mirtazapine sucks

A week ago I upped my mirtazapine from 30mg to 45mg and I think it’s actually making me feel worse. Again I seem to be obsessing over death, my sucky life and nothing holds my attention for longer than 10 minutes unless it is something depression related. So my mood lightened for a few weeks and now I’m heading back down the black hole, perfect timing for Christmas. Then again the fact Christmas is three days away could be making me feel worse. You know, pressure, stress and all that.

Other than the low mood I’ve also noticed the LOVELY sedative symptom that I got from the mirtazapine seems to be wearing off. I spend hours lying in bed thinking how great it would be to be dead even though I’ve lost hope that I can achieve a successful suicide. That sort of makes it worse, I’m hopeless now.

I’ve tried sertraline, citalopram and now mirtazapine when will I find something that works?

Shrunk in the wash.

Life is boring, nothing can hold my attention anymore.

I gave up on knitting ages ago, not because I found It hard, just because I couldn’t find a reason to continue with it. I suppose I could of made a scarf, but I rarely go out so I wouldn’t really use it. I could of made a blanket but that would mean going out to buy more wool. I have very little money as it is and spending what I do have on wool seems like a waste and also a waste of effort as I doubt I could make a blanket as superior to the one I’m under now. I doubt I would even feel that joyous accomplishment feeling real people are suppose to get. I could make things and give them to charity but the truth is I am just not that much of a good person to dedicate that much of my time for others. Not forgetting I would probably shrink anything I do make in the washing machine.

This talk of not knitting feels all to familiar with my perspective on living. What’s the point? It takes too much effort and it’s a waste of resources. Not forgetting I’m more than likely to shrink in the wash.

What happened to me?

Why have I ended up in this state?

It’s been almost 8 months since my first hospitalisation, why have things not changed? Why do I just sink further?

Is this really just depression? How long does it last?