Im so very unhappy.
I dont know what to do with myself. I can either do nothing and continue living in the literal darkness of my room (i never turn lights on or open the curtains, continue to see my pdoc who doesnt know how else to treat me as i dont like therapy and drugs are not working, or just do anything i can to kill myself – ive lost all hope in overdoses after many failed attempts and i just see any option as being destined to fail.
I stare at my phone or tv all day, i dont exchange more than 6 words with people per day. No on calls or texts and ive deleted myself from all social networks.
okay i lie, i had an argument with my dad yesterday. I saw a new suitcase downstairs and questioned my dad why he had bought one as for two weeks ive been told my parents are no longer going on holiday because of me. i imediatly got angry and shouted “so youve made me feel like shit for two weeks, beating myself up thinking i ruin your lives, why have you purposely made me feel shit?”
My stepmom – “you make us feel shit too”
cue tears and locking myself in my room, i ate a whole pizza in about 2 minutes also.
Later on my dad came to my room and apologised, said he hadnt gone about things in the right way, said they are going on holiday still, wanted to know if i had any suicidal thoughts. I was honest and said i didnt trust talking to him anymore because of our last argument (conversation actually – they leave me alone in my safe place of my room apparently).
Obviously i am glad they are going on holiday and i am not stopping them but i cant help feel overwhelmed with pressure and responsibility. I can in no way harm myself while they are away, it would just be me and my younger brother alone. He cant drive, he can barely cook and he doesn’t feed the cats. I guess my parents may put me on their car insurance, i have not drove in over a year, ive always been an anxious driver. I cant burden him with my actions, the pressure of responsibility having to look after the household, the cats and my brother while i cant even do basic things for myself is horrifying. Then again perhaps i’ll just have to suck it up.
Writing has stopped the tears – im glad, but i know they will be back.