*ive decided all my posts are more than likely triggering, no one should take much notice of my writings*
So its new years eve and for the first time ever i have decided not to celebrate it. To put it simply i just cant be bothered.
I cant be bothered to find an outfit that fits, wash, or do my hair. There isnt anyone i want to impress and the whole process of getting ready which i used to love to take my time over now seems to be a massive useless chore.
One of my few remaining friends F is having a little party before heading into town. F has experienced depression and crippling social anxiety but now has flourished into a social butterfly, luckily she understands when i say i cant be bothered to go out and she isnt holding anything against me when i reject her invitation. Making small talk is a massive task for me to manage when im feeling this depressed and it is obviously inevitable, you cant escape that at a small party. So i plan to stay indoors, watch some crappy tv alone and probably be asleep by 10pm.
I havnt left my room since boxingday unless it was to get food or use the bathroom. My family are leaving me to it but i do wonder how long it will be till my parents try and prise me from my comforting little cave. I try to remember the last time i left the house and i think it was around 15 days ago. Needless to say i am utterly bored, but rather than motivating me to change my life for the good it just seems to make me wish a little harder that i was dead. Not hard enough to actually do anything though. I think i’ll stop taking my anti depressants, im actually longing for the motivation i get from being drug free to actually put the energy and effort into ending my life. I also secretly like the way i obsess over it, it keeps my mind busy.
15 days till i see my psychiatrist, shes pretty much useless as i dont listen to her. People say “you will one day look back and realise you were wrong and be thankful for the help you recieved”, that is exactly what i am frightened of. I dont want to be delusional to what the world is really like. Life is a struggle that i dont want to fight with. Im scared of being tied to this world with more than just the guilt of leaving.
Although i dont look forward to seeing my psychiatrist, a part of me does want to experience a therapist, just to see if there are any other conclusions as to why i feel the way i do.
So i go into 2014 with no plans other than to hopefully not enter 2015.