Not celebrating

*ive decided all my posts are more than likely triggering, no one should take much notice of my writings*

 

So its new years eve and for the first time ever i have decided not to celebrate it. To put it simply i just cant be bothered.

I cant be bothered to find an outfit that fits, wash, or do my hair. There isnt anyone i want to impress and the whole process of getting ready which i used to love to take my time over now seems to be a massive useless chore. 

One of my few remaining friends F is having a little party before heading into town. F has experienced depression and crippling social anxiety but now has flourished into a social butterfly, luckily she understands when i say i cant be bothered to go out and she isnt holding anything against me when i reject her invitation. Making small talk is a massive task for me to manage when im feeling this depressed and it is obviously inevitable, you cant escape that at a small party. So i plan to stay indoors, watch some crappy tv alone and probably be asleep by 10pm.

I havnt left my room since boxingday unless it was to get food or use the bathroom. My family are leaving me to it but i do wonder how long it will be till my parents try and prise me from my comforting little cave. I try to remember the last time i left the house and i think it was around 15 days ago. Needless to say i am utterly bored, but rather than motivating me to change my life for the good it just seems to make me wish a little harder that i was dead. Not hard enough to actually do anything though. I think i’ll stop taking my anti depressants, im actually longing for the motivation i get from being drug free to actually put the energy and effort into ending my life. I also secretly like the way i obsess over it, it keeps my mind busy.

15 days till i see my psychiatrist, shes pretty much useless as i dont listen to her. People say “you will one day look back and realise you were wrong and be thankful for the help you recieved”, that is exactly what i am frightened of. I dont want to be delusional to what the world is really like. Life is a struggle that i dont want to fight with. Im scared of being tied to this world with more than just the guilt of leaving. 

Although i dont look forward to seeing my psychiatrist, a part of me does want to experience a therapist, just to see if there are any other conclusions as to why i feel the way i do.

So i go into 2014 with no plans other than to hopefully not enter 2015. 

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One response to “Not celebrating

  1. “People say “you will one day look back and realise you were wrong and be thankful for the help you recieved”, that is exactly what i am frightened of. I dont want to be delusional to what the world is really like. Life is a struggle that i dont want to fight with. Im scared of being tied to this world with more than just the guilt of leaving. I couldn’t have said it better myself

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