Monthly Archives: November 2013

Surfacing.

 

This post is as promised an update.

I think its safe so say ive somehow surfaced from the worst depression i think is possible to experience. Anyone who has been reading this blog would have noticed i have been extremely suicidal. Although i have no plans or temptation to try anything that will result in my death currently , it still does haunt my mind. The moment anyone says something i dont like (for example my stepmom told me i couldnt leave my yoga ball in the hallway- i took this as she didnt want me to live in her house) i automatically decide that my life is too difficult, scary and worthless.

So what have i been doing? Not much. My new psychologist doesnt think i should worry about getting a job till the new year, my parents agree. How lucky am I!!!  To have a supportive family who are sheltering me from stress, pressure and fear – all of which seem to send me spiralling in to that horrible place ive just escaped from.

Looking back, no wonder i lost grip on reality, i was completely secluded and barely surviving. I dont want to go back there. My psychiatrist is trying to find me a therapist who she knows, still a slow process but much better than the NHS. The last time i met with my NHS psychiatrist i told him my plans of killing myself on the 30th of november (three days from now) i thought that telling him would provoke a reaction and for him to take me seriously, a week ago i had a letter telling me that i had to wait THREE months for my next appointment with him. I have no doubt in my mind that i would be dead if it wasnt for my father blackmailing asking me to see his friend, my new psychiatrist. She has started me on 30 mg Mirtazapine, my appetite is massive and my energy levels are low, self confidence is zero. For the first time in years i feel ugly, fat and insignificant. I truly believe moving back home has helped me the most.

I also have to thank B, things have been going very steady between us, but he gives me a reason to try to adhere to some sort of normal routine, basically because its embarrassing to be a lifeless mess of a nearly 22 year old.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Im choosing not to celebrate it. I dont feel in the mood to celebrate anything, not even the start of my recovery. Last year i spent my birthday in vegas with my best friend and my flavour of the month. My best friend hates me and i hate my flavour of the month. I remember waking up on my birthday in vegas and being annoyed with myself for not being happy. Because ive  not been happy for so long ive spent my time pushing people away. I pushed them away to make my death easier for everyone involved. What do i do now? How do i fix things? Although im still not sure i want to build bridges… maybe because of the guilt i feel for putting people through the hardship of being my friend. So as you can see i am still living in the past, full of regret and bitterness that things havent been easier.

Today is my birthday and I’m riding high
Hair is dripping, hiding that I’m terrified
But this is summer, playing dumber than in fall
Everything I say falls right back into everything
I’m not in the swing of things
But what I really mean is
Not in the swing of things yet – Lorde. Still Sane

I dont have any friends anymore, purely just people i know.  I do. My silly brain is trying to convince me of otherwise. I have five good people friends in my life, B is one of them. Im scared of getting close to people, its taking all of my energy to keep things between me and B simple, something is wrong there…

Still no aims or ambitions floating around in my head, i wish i was motivated to sort my little mess out.

I wanted this post to be a positive look towards recovery. Sometimes its only when i write things down that i see how damaged i still am. Honestly, im terrified of recovery and having to pick my life up again.

I forget real people have feelings too

Longer post to follow

When I feel like it

Drowning

Last night I ended up calling my dad and begging for the crisis team number that I couldn’t find. I didn’t actually ring them, I still haven’t called my mental health team/people/whoever they are like I promised I would.

One of my dads psychologist friends has agreed to see me tonight apparently. What do I have to say? I want to die but I can’t because I worry how it will affect my family. END.

A few days from death

I’m still about, even though it seems no one is bothered about this little blog, I guess it’s more of a personal journey and not very helpful to others anyway. I’ll just pour myself into this online site in hope of a little comfort/ de-baggage-ing.

I’ve not been sent to the hospital against my will yet, dad said that’s the last thing he would want to do. I don’t doubt that in a few days he will though. He’s trying his best and I’m uncooperative so what else can he do?

He keeps asking me what made me suddenly sink so low. Its hard to admit the truth because it is because of someone i regard so dearly although i know i really shouldn’t. D told me he has never been happier than since we split up. Of course that makes me feel that I’m withholding everyone around me from happiness.

I’ve not drank anything again today but I did have a little bit of fruit, you know those already prepared mixtures of melon, apple and grapes. I ate it simply to settle my groaning stomach and to take my mind off some things.

I’m wrought with guilt. Guilt for my family and my friend F who undoubtably has been contacted by my stepmom. They all keep ringing me and texting me, knowing full well I am ignoring them. The worry about me so much, I understand that, I wish it was different.

I want to die and everyone knows that. Will my death make everyone feel as awful as i do now? I truly hope not!! This now is purely just a waiting game for us all.

I haven’t drank more than a few (maybe five) mouthfuls of water for three days, I can barely stand, I only just manage to get to the bathroom without hanging onto furniture. My head is soo busy with buzzing, swelling, thoughts of dying and guilt.

I understand that when someone close to you dies its absolutely horrid but people move on, am I selfish or stupid to believe that?

All in all I’ve had enough, I don’t want a future, I want to slowly drift off into non existence and I hope my family can cope without me.

Tempted to call the Samaritans, I always sleep better after speaking to someone. Not sure wether I can risk them changing my mind. I’ve gone through a lot of pain so far, I really dread having to start again from scratch. Which is more than likely inevitable.

They are going to section me any day now…

So my dad basically just tricked me to confess I want to die. He kept asking me if I wanted him to call my psychiatrist and get the assertive outreach team to my flat. Errrr no! Why would anyone who was suicidal agree to that?

I hate that my family know about this, I want them to be blissfully unaware to what’s going on in my head.

I promised I would drink something… Ergh the time for lies has kicked in. I hate this.

If someone comes banging at my door now then I doubt I’ll post for a few days.

Sick in the head

Have not left my bed since Friday, unless to go to the toilet. Not even kidding. I’m generally just neglecting myself, not eating or drinking. Needless to say I feel like death. Dehydration I think will do it.

Why is suicide not allowed? Guess I have to die the slow way.

Dad let himself in yesterday and forced me to drink three glasses of water, stepmom is coming to do the same tomorrow.

I’m a horrid child.

I dream, I smile. I walk, I cry.

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I couldn’t find the balls to tell B. The longer this goes on the worse I’m making it. We ended up getting very drunk and having sex. Really what am I doing getting close to him? This isn’t fair of me. I wish I didn’t crave human affection so much.

Today I’ve been bed bound, hangover and withdrawal from citalopram. Fantastic. All self inflicted I know…

Very miserable right now.

I told my dad I no longer want to take medication for depression, I told him everything apart from the date I’m set on. I’ve just ended up making him worry more, ergh I’m
a horrid person. When I get on the topic of my depression my mouth just runs wild. Pdoc told me to get a prescription for fluoxetine, I currently have no intention on getting any.

I wish I had more self control.

I dream, I smile. I walk, I cry. – Benjamin Clementine