Monthly Archives: October 2013

Coffee shop tears

A month of citalopram and I’ve gained weight. So I’ve gone up at least one dress size.

Yesterday I decided I desperately needed new jeans as I can no longer fit my fat arse into anything I own.

I just rang my dad to tell him I spent some of my rent money on clothes and as expected he went nuts. He knows a lot about my depression but he doesn’t know my ex recently told me I got fat and how I’ve stopped taking my pills. He told he how he is doing everything and paying for everything and how I’ve basically just shat on him. My step mom said the money they gave me weekly was to live, eat, and go to the cinema with friends etc. My dad however expects me to spend the money on food and that’s it. Maybe if I told him I literally can’t fit into my old clothes he would of reacted differently.

Needles to say I just had a breakdown in a local coffee shop and now I’m sat waiting for my appointment with my pdoc. I’m going to be honest about not taking my anti depressants, I technically should of ran out today anyway. I have zero energy and I am on the edge of a breakdown which is far too much to cope with let alone telling lies too.

B is coming over later. I can’t handle all of this. If the pdoc sends me away with just a prescription I will take that as another push out the door.

If I’m going to get better then I need help. Shame there isn’t much help available for me.

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AM or PM?

My friends are all at Uni in different city’s, we used to talk every single day. Now if we share more than one sentence over text then that’s a really good week for us. Everyone has drifted appart, they have gone to their Uni friends and their new lives. I’m just left alone.

All I have is B. I think he’s a great guy but I don’t want to have someone else to feel guilty about. I can’t be a good friend and I can’t be someone’s lover. It’s not fair on any of them or myself.

These sparse few ups I’ve experienced while getting to know B just lead me up to fall again. I fall so hard. Is it strange I prefer to be at rock bottom? That way I know things can’t get any worse. I don’t want to progress and I don’t want to “sort my life out”.

For a month I’ve been desperate for help, CBT and new drugs. Now I’m slightly scared of getting better. I know this sounds really ridiculous. I seem to change my mind daily. Perhaps this has something to do with not taking my antidepressants for three days. I do feel less exhausted which should be a relief, I miss it.

Last night I read about atypical depression, perhaps I have that? It’s the one type of depression I seem to tick all the boxes for.

Turns out I actually see the pdoc tomorrow. Sleeping all day and being awake all night has really confuzzled my brain I never know what day it is or if its am or pm. I like that. I don’t want to exist in a specific time or place.

I’ve got a feeling I’ll read back on this post and wonder what the fuck I was on about.

I’m done

I’m having a bad night, so to get through it I plan to write. I’ll write for as long as I need to In order to get this night over and done with. It may just end up as gobbledegook, well more than likely will.

Often I read of how people realised they were depressed. A sudden lack in passion for something they loved seems very typical.

I don’t believe my depression came out from nowhere, I think I simply am a depressive sort of person. I don’t have any hobbies or interests to loose interests in. This blog I guess in some peoples eyes has manifested itself into a hobby, however I see it simply as replacing something I lost. This blog replaces my best friends and my boyfriend. I talk to the entire planet through posts rather than sharing my thoughts and feelings with people in the flesh.

Recently I’ve come to the understanding that I’m ashamed of myself. Ashamed so severely I can’t admit to myself that I have no friends. I’m ashamed that I can no longer hold myself together and simply function. Ashamed I’m not strong enough to continue my studies and continue to grow. Ashamed of my self centred and materialistic nature that means I will never truly be happy with what I achieve as nothing will ever be good enough.

I’ve never been particularly good at anything, I doubt I could offer the world anything it needs. The world will keep spinning without me.

I stare at my small handful of pills that should make me function normally. Compared to some I take very few, still those few are enough to make me feel broken. Why waste expensive chemicals on someone who doesn’t intend to feel their true benefit? My parents keep saying they want to pay for me to receive private healthcare, what a waste.

At the young age of 21 I truly give up on myself. I don’t want to change, I don’t want to find passion and I don’t want to fix or make new friendships.

I’m done.

Not if, when.

My appointment with the pdoc this Friday will determine if I bring “my
Date” closer.

B is staying over Thursday night and has booked Friday off work. I really think I have to tell him where I will be on Friday morning (pdoc)…

Will telling him of my troubles help the situation in anyway if I am then going to kill myself a few days later? Will that just make him feel worse? Will knowing I felt like this long before he came on the scene give him closure?

Is there any right way of doing this? I’m most likely just torturing myself more over thinking!

This is all I think of daily, if isn’t the point, it’s when.

A message to my ex and bestfriend

I know your heart is in the right place and most of the time your my rock but then you manage to make me feel soo miserable and awful about myself. I have little self confidence at the mo and you tell me not to wear skinnys and that Ben basically has no standards to like me. You go on about me being a nut job and how everyone in town knows, probably telling B at every opportunity. Do I even have to explain how that makes me feel? You say your much happier without me and that does nothing but make me believe more strongly that everyone would be better off without me around. Your a nice guy deep down but still you make me feel worthless, a ugly mess and nothing but a burden on everyone who has to be near me. I know you feel guilty for not being able to fix me and that’s why you bother to check up on me but I really don’t think you should bother anymore. Your one of the few people I think highly of and someone I class as a good friend, that’s why your comments/opinions hurt me so much. Your efforts are just backfiring because I’m a lost cause. x

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Oh…

My ex just told me he has the greatest time since splitting up with me. I’m not even kidding. Fact.

I class him as one of my greatest friends, he’s the only person I see forthrightly. He’s the one person who reminds me that the “real world” exists…
yet I’ve not felt so set on my date in a long time.

I’ve not been honest with B. He plans to stay over before my 8am appointment with the pdoc, I need a good excuse. It’s stressing me out.

34 days. If I last a week that’s an achievement.

5am

It’s not unusual at all for me to be wide awake at 5am, I tend to write a lot at this time as there is often silence and I don’t get sad (jealous perhaps) of people leading normal happy lives while I sit alone miserable. Who is happy at 5am anyway?

The last week I’ve felt a slight lift in my mood, I whole heartedly put this down to the appearance of B in my life. Although the anxiety of getting close to someone is causing me much pain there are a couple of good points.

I’ve felt appreciated, wanted and interesting. Talking to B daily gives each day some sort of purpose and our date plans give me something to look forward to. He makes me want to better myself and my life, I don’t want him to think of me as a failure!

The fact he has changed my mood so dramatically in such a short time is worrying. What happens if it doesn’t work out? What happens when I tell him about my depression? What happens when I no longer have him and loose purpose in life? What if this feeling wears off?

I realise I am probably just being dramatic, isn’t that what depression does to you? Well it does to me.

Steps to remain sane :
1. Take it slow
2. Be honest
3. Find something else to be passionate about, my world will not revolve around B
4. Make plans with friends
5. Do not assume B will fix everything

I’ve only really known him for two weeks, I need to get a grip. I sound like a 12 year old with zero experiences with the opposite sex. Believe me I have a fair amount of experiences.