Monthly Archives: September 2013

Protected: Why wait for the suffering?

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Council benefits?

I find the simplest things difficult, how am I suppose to sort out council tax and benefits. Does anyone know how the uk benefits system works? What am I entitled to?

So I’m unemployed, not a student (for 12 months), living alone in a rented flat (daddy is supporting me at the moment) and ridiculously unhappy. Officially depressed and finally seeing a psychiatrist on Wednesday.

God that’s hard to admit. What the hell am I going to do? Literally shaking with fear and stress. My parents want me to sort this benefits thing out so I don’t rely so heavily on them. I literally have ZERO savings.

I would be homeless if it wasn’t for my parents. I feel so in-debt to them. I doubt relying on the council will feel much better either.

Loaner

After spending my entire day surrounded by people I have realised I like being lonely more and more everyday.

Today I spent time with my mom, my sister and my ex ( we are now just good friends) all separately. Now I’m alone in my flat I feel so disgustingly lonely.

I actually prefer being alone all day so I don’t feel this horrid drop in mood. Is that normal? I’m worried by my new realisation.

Today my ex said that I like being depressed and I don’t want to get better. In a way he is right, I’m not sure I want to be deluded into thinking the world is a good place to be. I don’t think I’ll put myself through this for much longer. I’ve set a date, somewhere before the new year comes.

Nothing to say

So I haven’t posted in a few days, I feel very empty and I don’t have anything interesting to say.

My “summer lover” said goodbye to me today. Let the loneliness commence.

Anxiety issues

My body hates me for sure.

I have some weird anxiety symptoms that really distress me and make me feel unwell. Most of the time they come on when I’m simply watching tv or something that isn’t causing me anxiety!

• intolerable itchy skin that keeps me up at night.

• sudden energy rush sort of adrenaline thing that makes me feel dizzy

• headaches that make me hyper sensitive to light

• chest pain/ tightening (I sometimes awake up with this)

All make me feel extremely horrid, no wonder I stay on the sofa all day. I know they are reactions to my anxiety that I shouldn’t worry about, they won’t kill me. I wouldn’t mind if they killed me, I just want them to stop.

Since increasing my sertraline from 100mg to 150mg ( last Monday) I swear my anxiety symptoms are worse. Waaaaa 😦

Well I say, fuck that! I’m not embarrassed to be depressed.

So I deleted twitter and deleted Facebook ages ago. Social networking makes me feel even more lonely, I end up scrutinising my own boring Friday nights against other normal 21 year olds who have the wildest and most fun times imaginable…

Today

I logged back into twitter to announce I’m not going back to uni on Monday. I used to contact most of my uni friends by twitter or Facebook and I don’t even have most of their phone numbers. I honestly just can’t cope with bumping into people and having to explain myself. Bellow is what I announced to the world.

“I’ve decided to defer 3rd year for a year because I’m severely depressed and need to concentrate on getting better”

@”You all have permission to chat about that amongst yourselves, then please get over it and discuss more interesting topics.”

Not many people know about my depression, for a while I’ve survived on my impressive acting ability and heavy use of makeup and good clothes to look presentable/ normal. Some friends instantly told me they were proud of me and many told me to get well soon.

YAY for people who understand this IS an illness and I will get better (I don’t actually believe that myself currently). This is my own personal step in trying to reduce stigma around depression.

Most of my life I have been that wild, pretty, confident, good with boys, gobby, fun, fashionable girl who seemed to emit light and static electricity. Oh things have changed… I reckon a few people will be shocked about me having difficulties with my mental health, some will not! Anyone who has had the Pleasure Of my company in the last year will have slowly noticed me loosing the plot. (More on that another day)

After feeling a bit proud of myself and uplifted by the comments I received from my tweet I received a message from one of my best friends who have been with me through every step of this horrid time.

“I hate to admit it lyd but you should of just left it, no offense but people don’t care. Only close friends do and they know”

Well I say, fuck that. I’m not embarrassed.

Foggy

Searching For Solace

 

 

I feel I am living in a fog. The days seem to blend together seamlessly with no end and no beginning. Performing daily rituals with sleep or stillness filling in the large gaps. I do what needs to be done but much of my time is wasted just sitting. No TV, no radio, just sitting. This is not the me I am used to. Google promised that this will pass as my meds level out. Honestly, I don’t care. I sit and sleep and barely get my days tasks completed but don’t give a shit. I have little feeling lately – the anxiety creeps in but doesn’t linger. Is this a better life than the life I was trying to escape? I’m not sure because it’s too foggy to see my destination.

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